The Decade in Advice; Part I 2010 – 2014

To my 2010 self,

I know I can’t prepare you for what a big year this ends up being for you. You and Stephen outgrow each other a lot this year after two years of dating and by the end of it he’s going to break up with you in a letter (a total dick move, even 10 years later.)

It’s going to feel like someone ripped your heart out because first love breakups fucking suck. Believe it or not, you do get over it eventually. There’s no timeline as to when, just time passing. Fuck, you’re not even going to be mad at him forever.

I know it’s hard to imagine that all that sadness and anger is ever going to go away, but it does. You get to a point where you joke about how Stephen was a great boyfriend for two years, but you both made the mistake for dating for three years. You even grow up hoping he’s a better man and a better partner to whoever he might be with now.

Your biggest lesson learnt this year will be that you come first and if you ever date another person who tells you they don’t love you in an argument to try and “win” that will be the only time they ever get to say that to you because you will walk out that instant. You can’t love someone into loving you.

​Love always, V

November 2010 – 21 years old, hanging out in my moms basement, photo taken on my first webcam
What was actually happening in this photo: my first boyfriend had broken up with me a month prior and this was the 2010 equivalent of a thirst trap pic. This is a t-shirt that I wore for a dress longer than I care to admit.

I know I look weird without bangs and without eyebrows.

To my 2011 self,

You’re not doing so great, eh? On one side of things, you’re definitely not really aware of how much you’re hurting and you definitely think you’re having fun, so I could argue that ignorance is bliss. A lot of heavy binge drinking though. I get that you missed your bar-star prime days because you had a boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean you should ever drink half a bottle of vodka a night and then go to the bar and keep drinking.

Is it because it’s Lethbridge and everyone drank at that age to make up for the fact that we had nothing else to do? We were too young not to socialize constantly and wanted everyone to like us. You get so many pictures of you with random girls you weren’t ever really friends with and bounced around a lot of different friend groups just in case you needed to find someone to go out to the bars with every weekend.

Also, this is the first year you have a one night stand* and we’ve been lucky that nothing bad has ever happened to us yet (knock on wood) but please be smarter and use a goddamn condom you 21-year-old-sexually-active idiot.**

Additional advice, take it easy with the tanning beds.

Your biggest lesson learnt this year is that you can’t run from your insecurities and having a lot of friends doesn’t mean anything. It’s the quality of friends that matter.

​Love always, V

* I have this guy on LinkedIn and we hooked up on his birthday so every fucking year I get a LinkedIn notification to wish him a happy birthday and I think it’s really funny.
** I am 99% sure that my mom doesn’t read my blog but just in case she is; I’m sorry.

To my 2012 self,

Thank fucking god you’re starting to understand the value of real friends. Friends who want to be around you even if you’re not binge drinking, friends who stay up late to drive around and listen to the indie music not played on the radio and friends who have an enormous capacity for love.

This year you transfer to the mall location of the salon you’re working for and the crew there was second to none. It will be the first time you have the ability to make friends outside of your age, plus meet a lot of cool women you’d never meet otherwise.

There is sweet-small-town Kassidy Lockhart who always knows how to make you laugh and is always down for a movie marathon. Badass and intimidatingly cool Erin Primrose that is so fucking cool that she goes by Prim. How about the country sweetheart that is Dakota Bertsch? Always down for a blended drink and willing to trim your bangs (or wax your lip) with no notice whatsoever.

Also, this is the first year you have a crush on someone else since your breakup. WEIRD, EH? You don’t get the guy, but it doesn’t hurt as much this time – but that’s really more of 2013 Vicki’s problem.

Your biggest lesson learnt this year is that you are allowed to have days when you just don’t feel up for socializing – it doesn’t make you anti-social, it makes you human. Real friends will understand.

​Love always, V

June 2013 – 23 years old with (to this day) one of my best friends/favourite humans in the world, Cassandra Balfour
“Vicki… is that a lace tube top, hoop earrings and a sternum piercing?”

​It sure the fuck is and I regret nothing. I look great.

To my 2013 self,

Really big fucking year for you. This is the year you decide to move to Vancouver, a thing you would not have been able to have begun to imagine even a year ago. A lot of your friends are going to be really surprised that you decided to move and truth be told, a part of you also can’t believe you decided to do something so crazy.

You have so many amazing friends, a decent job and already have one degree, why go broke taking out ANOTHER student loan? You know what, 2019 me can’t really explain what drove you to do it, but you did.

You applied to go to school at Blanche Macdonald and the night after you applied you lay in bed sobbing because you’re so scared of the thought of disturbing your comfortable life. You’re not unhappy, you’re just not that happy either.

Your voice will shake when you tell your mom and you’ll avoid telling your best friend for weeks because you don’t want to leave her. (Don’t worry, you’ll spend the next 10 years trying to get her to move here.)

You end up doing that thing where you publicly announce something to hold yourself accountable, so you post on Facebook that you’re moving to follow it through despite the fact that you changed your mind and don’t want to go anymore. Go. Be scared. Be uncomfortable.

This move is the single scariest thing you’ve ever done but it will be so rewarding beyond your wildest dreams.

Update on that crush, he doesn’t feel the same way and it hurts a bit, but you kinda had a feeling he didn’t. Plus you already learned that whole you can’t love someone into loving you and you’re moving, you don’t have time for small city boys anymore.

Your biggest lesson learnt is don’t fall for redheads. I’m (mostly) KIDDING! This is the year you told someone how you felt knowing that they probably didn’t feel the same and you gave up being a medium fish in a medium pond to be a small fish in a very big pond. Your biggest lesson learnt was definitely just fucking go for it.

​Love always, V

(Writing this portion made me SOB because I remember so vividly how it felt when I decided to move. People who know me now might be surprised to learn that prior to my move I was definitely more of an introvert that never did anything that bold.)

To my 2014 self,

This is probably the most uncomfortable year of your life. You live in a city where you have no friends, no money, and end up Google-mapping everything because you have absolutely no sense of direction.

This is also the first year where you start getting to do some really cool shit. Shit that somehow manages to get cooler every year starting this year. From interning to studying the fashion industry you’re really here now. Doing the damn thing. A lot of people back home will wonder if taking fashion merchandising is even going to school, but you’ll have the student debt to prove it.

You’ll live with a nightmare of a roommate that just causally leaves drugs around, keeps the house filthy and is friends with older men (old enough to be your dad) that will “casually” make jokes about how they were going to rape you in your sleep. You spend the majority of your school year in a bedroom with the deadbolt locked at all times.

You also spend a lot of time eating microwaved popcorn for a multitude of reasons. One to avoid going into the kitchen and dealing with your roommate and her friends, another to save money because you’re poor AF and when you’re a bit older you realize that you also did it because it was like eating air.

Vying to be part of the fashion industry is tough because you review editorials of thin women, you see thin women succeeding and you become painfully aware that you’re not one of those women. A lot of your sample sale interning pays in clothing and because sample sizes are usually a small or extra-small you start to wonder if you’re larger than average.

I wish so badly that I could tell you that you’re size is not your worth, but in 2014, you wouldn’t have believed me anyways.

Your biggest lesson learnt is that being uncomfortable or unsure of what’s next is okay. No one knows what they’re doing. We’re all winging it, some of us are just better at faking it than others.

Love always, V